Help for Families Dealing with Anxiety, Depression, Addiction or PTSD

Mental health problems affect not just individuals, but entire families. Loving someone with mental health problems can be heartbreaking, frustrating, and sometimes exhausting. Here are some guidelines to help you navigate these difficult situations.

Table of Contents

  1. Normal Feelings
  2. Start the Conversation
  3. Things You Can Do for the Individual
  4. Things You Can Do for Someone with Addiction
  5. Things You Can Do for Yourself
  6. Links and Find Help
  7. The Three C’s

It’s Normal to Have Some Negative Feelings

It’s normal to feel frustration and some resentment towards the individual along with compassion and hope. These feelings can be scary or seem selfish, but they are perfectly normal. Mental health problems are stressful, even when handled well.

Mental health problems are family problems. Strong negative emotions usually arise when you are too focused on helping the individual and not focused enough on practicing self-care. Here are some common feelings:

  • You may feel angry that you both have to go through this.
  • You may feel guilty that you can’t help more.
  • You may wonder if you could have done anything different.
  • You may feel angry that they are not doing everything they can to help themselves.
  • You may wonder if you can love them as much as you did before.
  • You may worry that things will never be same, or that your family will never get back to normal.
  • You may feel exhausted and depressed.

When to Start the Conversation

If you are worried about what is happening to your loved one or to your family, you may wonder when is the best time to speak up. You may worry that if you mention your concerns too soon, they may become defensive and pull away. You worry that if you wait too long, the individual will probably suffer more consequences.

It’s never too early to have a conversation. If you have concerns, chances are something is not right. Mention your concerns in a supportive way. You must expect that they will be defensive. They will try to minimize the problem. They will try to make you the problem.

But at least you have begun the conversation. Hopefully the next time will be a little easier.

If you wait too long, you will speak out of frustration rather than caring. If you wait too long, you will probably resort to name calling, instead of being neutral. If you wait to long, you will probably make demands and use punitive measures, instead of offering positive solutions.

It’s more effective to talk about how this hurts you than how it hurts them. If you try to explain how their anxiety, depression, addiction, or PTSD is hurting them, they probably won’t listen because that is part of denial. But if you explain how this hurts you, it’s more difficult to deny.

Things You Can Do for the Individual

  • Educate yourself on the problem. Learn about anxiety, depression, addiction, or PTSD.
  • Understand that the individual probably doesn’t want too much attention, and they don’t want to be treated as if they are broken.
  • Individuals with mental health problems usually withdraw. Even if your loved one doesn’t want to talk, it helps to remind them that you are ready to listen when they will be ready to talk.
  • When the they are ready to open up, make sure you just listen. Nothing kills the moment faster than you trying to offer advice. They just want to talk. Talking will help them process what they are going through. Health professionals have learned to listen far more than they talk.
  • Understand that your loved one’s behaviors such as avoidance and irritability are common in anxiety, depression, addiction, and PTSD. Understand that it’s not about you. It’s about the illness.
  • When you are frustrated, try not to accuse or judge. This will be difficult to do, but avoid name calling. It only worsens the situation. Recognize that this is a scary time for both of you.
  • Try not to be negative. That may only increase their feelings of guilt and push them to withdraw further.
  • Make sure that you both take time to relax and have fun. Recovery is hard work. Without the chance to relax and escape, recovery will feel like a grind, and you will both become exhausted. When individuals are exhausted they are more likely to relapse to old behaviors.
  • Set boundaries that the whole family can agree on. The purpose of boundaries is to improve the health and functioning of the family. Do not use boundaries to punish or shame.
  • Allow the individual time for recovery: time for doctor’s appointments, time to do recovery homework, time to relax and meditate, time for self-help meetings, and time for fun.
  • Recognize and acknowledge the potential the individual has within them.
  • Behave as you would if your loved one had a serious illness. What would you do if they were diagnosed with heart disease or cancer?

Things You Can Do for Someone with Addiction

Addictions presents some unique problems. Here are a few more guidelines for dealing with addictions specifically.

  • Provide a sober environment that reduces the triggers for using.
  • Do not enable. Do not provide excuses or cover up for the individual.
  • Do not shield the individual from the consequences of their addiction. People are more likely to change if they have suffered enough negative consequences.
  • Do not argue or try to discuss things with someone when they are under the influence of drugs or alcohol. It won’t get you anywhere.
  • If you want to provide financial support, buy the goods and services needs instead of giving them money that they might use to buy alcohol or drugs.

Understand that Your Lives Will Change

Things will not go back to the way they were. In fact, you shouldn’t wish for your old life back. You both need to create a new life where it is easier to achieve recovery.

There was probably something in your old life that wasn’t working. It didn’t cause the situation, but it may have contributed to it. For example, you may have not paid enough attention to stress management and self-care.

This is the silver lining of recovery. If used properly, it can become a positive. Your loved one’s recovery is a chance for all of you to learn healthier coping skills and have an even better life than you did before.

Things You Can Do for Yourself

  • Do not work harder than the person you’re trying to help. This is the most important guideline in family support, and it is the most effective way to decide how much or how little to do.
  • Working harder than the other person will only exhaust you and make them resent you because they will feel that you are pushing too hard.
  • If the individual doesn’t want to do anything to help themselves, you can still do something by being an example of balance and self-care.
  • Loving someone with a mental health condition can be exhausting even when there are not many obstacles. You also need time to recover. Take care of yourself.
  • Avoid self-blame. You can’t control another person’s decisions, and you can’t force them to change.
  • Being a caretaker is not good for you or the other person. Understand that there is only so much you can do.
  • Ask for help. Talk to a professional. Go to a support group. You may need as much support as they do.

    Links

    Free Online Mental Health Tests and Tools, to help you decide if there is a problem.

    A list of anxiety, depression, and PTSD links to organizations, agencies, self-help groups, and forums.
    A list of addiction links to organizations, agencies, self-help groups, and forums.

    Visit www.IWantToChangeMyLife.org/findhelp for crisis phonelines, counselors, therapists, psychologists, and other mental health professionals. You can change your life.

    The Three C’s of Dealing with Someone with a Mental Health Problem

    • You didn't Cause the problem.
    • You can't Control the problem.
    • You can't Cure the problem.

    You can’t stop depression for another person.
    You can’t stop drinking for another person.
    You can’t stop PTSD for another person.

    Only they can do the real work.

Last Modified: October 1, 2018